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avatar its_luckyluke 28 day.agoThe Scottish painter

There was a Scottish house painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, buying paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water... Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.. "Repaint! Repaint!* And thin no more!"*

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1. Gays in syria

[removed]

2. I don't know why we bother telling suicidal people to "get help."

Buying rope isn't that fucking difficult.

3. Caitlin Jenner has been arrested

Apparently she was offering 2 year old pussy on Tinder.

4. A man runs over a woman, whose fault is it?

The man's because he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen

5. Say what you will about pedophiles

But at least they drive through school zones slower

6. I was telling my friend that I pulled a girl off the railway lines last night just before a train arrived then had wonderful sex with her, my friend said did she give you head? I replied.

Couldn't find her head..

7. I don't understand.. Why can't someone just wake Avicii up?

It's all over.

8. A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon. I was going to decline, but when he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties...

I thought, fuck me, I might win this.

9. How does a black woman know she's pregnant?

When she takes her tampon out and the cotton is picked off.

10. Who are the 3 most underground rappers?

XXXTENTACION, Juice Wrld, and Mac Miller

11. I support LGBTQ

Let's Go Bully The Queers

12. I once organized a parent meeting at the school I worked at. That made a lot of people very angry.

Apparently, orphans don't have a sense of humor.

13. In my spare time I often go to court hearings about rapes.

If the guy turns out to be innocent, I follow the girl home and rape her. Nobody is going to believe her anyway.

14. My girlfriend's parents called me a pedophile because I'm 30 and she's 18.

It really kind of spoiled our 10th anniversary dinner.

15. What's 9 inches long, pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth?

Her miscarriage.

16. My new gf is black and I couldn't be happier!

My wife is white and it's hard to hide all the bruises

17. Where do epileptic children go to eat?

Little Seizures.

18. What is worse than ten dead babies nailed to one tree?

Going to an Oregon community college

19. My girlfriend told me she wanted to be treated like a princess

So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove into a wall

20. Black guys are watching Black Panther twice in one week

But haven't seen their kids in over a year. Wakanda father are you?

21. What did my first football game and losing my virginity have in common?

I was bloody and sore afterwards, but at least my dad came.

22. I was once having sex with my German girlfriend

For some reason she kept yelling out her age

23. Where does a person with epilepsy order pizzas?

Little Seizures

24. My mother in law has a massive case of diarrhea...

She wont find out until she gets home and unpacks her luggage...

25. What do rednecks do on Halloween?

Pump kin

26. I was going to make fun of that homosexual that killed himself with a rope

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27. All of these jokes are so dark...

I'm surprised cops haven't shot them.

28. I'm not a racist

I like black people just as much as normal people

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30. Asians are such terrible drivers...

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